There’s no sex in Bush’s violence…

This week Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio introduced another article of impeachment for George W. Bush to the House of Representatives, citing Bush’s false statements on the necessity of the invasion of Iraq in 2003.  The article passed through the first vote in the House, only to be moved into the Judiciary committee that defeated his previous impeachment attempt in June, in what now unfortuneately appears to the American people as a punchline. 

Watching Kucinich struggle to make some good out of the shitstorm that was the past eight years conjures little opitmism, mainly because we all know that the impeachment wont happen, but also because its a shame that Kucinich couldn’t muster the courage to do this much sooner, when it might have had a more significant impact.

But that’s enough serious talk – let’s bash a republican!  FOX News is reporting that Kucinich’s predecessor, Republican Jim Trakus, has sent a formal request to Congress to determine exactly how much these impeachment attempts (3 of them) are costing the taxpayers, which is ironic given that the aforementioned falsified war has cost American taxpayers a total of $500 billion at the beginning of the year and the government is spending at least as much money on these articles as on supplying ESPN with endless footage of Roger Clemens’ “Shit…” face.

In my opinion, the meat of the debate on the validity/relevance of this impeachment request lies in a comparison to the two previous impeachments in American history, the first of Andrew Johnson and the second of Bill Clinton.  Johnson was impeached for violating the Tenure of Office Act by trying to appoint a new Secretary of War, replacing the one that was using the Secret Service to spy on him.  Long story short, everyone was a complete idiot in the 1860’s.

You all know the magical tales of Bill Clinton’s sexcapades, and I offer those as the main comparison here.  Kucinich’s arguments are that the President (and Cheney – his Salacious Crumb?) lied to the public about Iraq’s military capabilities and the threat that it posed, thereby dragging the country into a needless, expensive, and destructive conflict.  Bill Clinton got laid in the Oval Office.  One could argue that fighting a war and banging whoever you want in the White House are just the pinnacles of success for the male population, but someone must see what I do…that having sex with one woman is far less grevous an offense than starting a fucking war!

Sure, Bill was married and yes, he violated a moral standard that we, for some completely unfounded reason, seem to believe all of our politicians conform to.  Let’s ask Eliot Spitzer what he has to say about this..

Mrs. Spitzer was criticized for her lack of grimacing

So weigh in on this: why is Kucinich being ridiculed for trying to bring Bush and Cheney to justice for far more heinous crimes?  I’m sure I’m not in the minority in claiming that sex in the oval office and mass deception/murder are slighty different.  Namely, the former threatens essentially one person – the First Lady – while the latter threatens the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.  The former sullies the reputation of the President and the administration,  the latter sullies the reputation of the entire country in the eyes of the global community.  Is sex really so taboo that it outweighs greedy, bloodthirsty politics?

Congressman Kucinich, I understand your argument, but Congress doesn’t, so let’s take action.  Call up Spitzer’s girl and send him over to Cheney’s place.  I’m sure he’d be more than willing to entertain her.

In Defense of Luke Skywalker

As a Star Wars aficionado, I’ve always been of the opinion that Luke Skywalker was whiny and annoying, probably the worst possible offspring that the flawless Padme could concieve with fucking Darth Vader. But after reading a “where are they now?” on Star Wars actors, I rethought Luke’s role in the Saga and came to the conclusion that, despite his abundant wimpy qualities, Luke deserves a much better rep than he usually receives.

First, there are several other characters from the other movies that induce a mild hatred for the child half of George Lucas’ mind. Yes, I mean Jar-Jar, but let’s move past cliches for a bit. Take Salacious Crumb, Jabba the Hutt’s monkey/bird/muppet friend who for some unexplained reason likes to hang out with a slimy drug lord and laugh at all of his friends.

Fuck this thing

This little demon had one line in the entirety of Return of the Jedi: a high-pitched cackle that grated the soul. I cannot imagine any reason why Lucas thought this was a good idea, other than to provide a pretext for future (or past?) worthless organisms such as Gungans and Ewoks. And on a side note, those who played the ROTJ game for Super Nintendo with remember Crumb as the indestructible little pest in the already overly difficult Jabba’s Palace level that ended with the fight against an ludicrously strong Bib Fortuna.

I’ll give the aforementioned Gungans and Ewoks a pass for this one, and move to the next point: Luke was actually kind of a bad ass.

Example #1: Sure he sounded like an adolescent for the first two movies, but he also blew up a space station the size of a moon, a task that none of his squadmates with years of experience flying adavanced spacecraft could accomplish. Luke’s experience? Flying oddly shaped speeders around a desert.

Example #2: After his Snowspeeder was shot out of the sky in the Battle of Hoth, he rappelled forty feet up into the belly of an AT-AT and took out the enitre machine with only his lightsaber and a grenade, accomplishing in 45 seconds what it took Wedge and his pseudo-Asian gunner 20 minutes to do. He then free fell into the snow and walked across the battlefield to his X-Wing unscathed.

Lightsaber always beats tow cable

Example #3: When the Rebellion was making its last stand, Luke decided to surrender himself to the Emperor and Darth Vader, essentially sacrificing himself to keep the biggest badass in history from singlehandedly ripping everyone to shreds. Rather than once again saving everyone’s ass with his superior flying ability, he put all of his confidence into a fleet of rebel ships that didn’t carry any weaponry. Dumbledore would’ve been proud.

Honorable Mention: He killed a rancor by shoving a bone in its mouth and crushing it with a giant door. He also killed a Yeti.

Third, it can’t be overlooked that Anakin Skywalker was also unbearable for about 2.5 films. Check that, more like every scene in which he had both lines and a lack of a lightsaber.

Finally, realize that anything that comes from Darth Vader is BA. Every single line he utters is awesome, and his shit undoubtedly doesn’t stink.

So before we call him out for kissing his sister (and enjoying it) or for getting his rump handed to him by one tusken raider, let’s remember why Luke is cool…or at least cooler than Captain Tarpals.

The Vatican announced Tuesday that it does not contradict faith in God to believe in alien life, finally vindicating the abduction/resurrection theory for countless handfuls of cult leaders and bible-toting Roswell residents. The papal astronomer said, in an interview titled (no joke) “The extraterrestrial is my brother”, that the vastness of space made extraterrestrial life highly likely, and that even alien life is part of God’s creation. The aforementioned astronomer released this computer rendering of suspected alien life:

Shocking, I know. As disconcerting as the idea of Christ inducing horrors such as Mars Attacks! might be, many Church leaders expressed relief that cosmological variety does not mean they have to admit Jesus wasn’t Caucasian.

Later in the interview, the papal astronomer was asked about God’s relation to the Big Bang theory, to which he replied: “Are you f***ing kidding me? You’re telling me some immeasurably powerful event eons ago is the source of all matter in the universe? That’s like saying that dinosaurs existed. Who’s the astronomer here?”

With this new announcement, the Church, and indeed the global community can reach two fundamental truths. First, being the Vatican’s astronomer must be the easiest fucking job on the planet.

“But Holy Astronomer, what causes comets?”

“Why, it’s Jesus riding spaceships with our alien friends. Wave hello when they go by!”

Second, we can now discount movies like Independence Day and War of the Worlds, where hostile extraterrestrial species come and annihilate swaths of the planet simply for resources. Clearly, that adorable little guy holding hands with Jesus wouldn’t fire a superlaser through the top of the White House.

And besides, what kind of life form would tear apart a planet just for its resources?

Beers, Idle Beers…

I can’t think of anything I’d like to be buried in more than a giant replica beer can. None of that sissy fancy stuff though, I want a Pabst can. Wait…what? Somebody beat me to it? Shucks, I thought I was the only person on the planet who was devoted enough to cheap beer to be buried with it. Guess i’m the fool.

Bill Bramanti of an Illinois town too embarrassed to be named had this endlessly tasteful casket, which also touts his construction company’s name on the side, custom made by a Chicago sign company. He then proceeded to throw a party, using his eternal vessel as a beer cooler.

…..

I’ll give Bill one thing, no one will be crying at his funeral. But one has to wonder, is Mr. Bramanti a true Pabst lover, or just the latest in a series of company ploys to tap into the earthworm market? There’s more to this than meets the eye. Look at his smug smile, and notice how he turned the label on the can toward the camera…

Completely Unnecessary Drains for Your Tax Dollars: Part 1-Roger Clemens Hearings

As an Red-blooded American, I love living in ignorance of where my money is being spent irresponsibly by an incompetent government, but alas, I cannot.

Take, for example, the ongoing trial of Roger Clemens.

Personally, I am not a fan of Roger Clemens because he pitched for the Yankees. However, I find myself caring less and less about that fact as I observe the “results” of this “investigation.” Today, while eating lunch, I sat down in front of a TV airing “Outside the Lines.” The main story on today’s edition was the Congressional investigation of Roger Clemens, who is under suspicion of having taken illegal substances to boost his performance. Clemens, the headline name in the Mitchell Report, has essentially become MLB’s scapegoat for it’s complete inability to monitor its players. The sins of all (or nearly all) are placed on Clemens’ broad shoulders, and are continually dragged in front of cameras, by way of that shot of the hulking ex-star looking blandly up at some god-forsaken Congressmen.

Roger Clemens is MLB’s Jew. Yes that makes them the Nazis.

This complete mockery of the judicial system has been reduced to investigation a photograph of Clemens at a party thrown by known juicer Jose Conseco. Funny, they take evidence from a man whom we could all agree led the way in poisoning the minds of children in order to completely humiliate another. I haven’t seen a whole lot of criticism of Conseco – only book deals. But I must ask, if only to be the devil’s advocate: Why the fuck would anyone party with Jose Conseco?

The latest “development” is that Brian McNamee, Clemens’ book-deal-waiting-to-be-signed ex-trainer, is bringing forth evidence that his former client had an extra-marital affair with a girl for ten years, starting when she was 15. Thank you for this nugget Brian, because America’s youths can finally be dissuaded from having affairs with minors in addition to juicing up, all it took was countless hours and tax dollars to do it. I’m so grateful that we have people like you around. And don’t worry about the fact that you distributed illegal substances, I mean, it’s not like you’re a professional athlete and therefore of fundamental importance to the United States Government.

I watched the story only long enough to despise my citizenship before leaving in disgust. I opened up a recent issue of Rolling Stone, which coincidentally had published a story about Henry Waxman, a Californian Democrat famous for his reforms as chair of the Congressional Oversight Committee. Ironically, despite Rep. Waxman’s prolific reforms for the environment and child health care, he happens to head the committee that is spending who knows how much investigating a single professional athlete for a problem that plagues the entire league and all of sports, and spends the hearings arguing about pictures taken at Jose Conseco’s parties.

But don’t worry, the children of America are now free from evil influences and can go on aspiring to serve on subcommittees that provide such wonderful services to our country.

Worthless Minutae

Welcome to Trilla Universe! Please note upon entering the title of this blog. For the unholy, “Trilla” is the name of the most recent effort by 300-pound rapper Rick Ross, an album that is indespensible if you despise mainstream hip-hop and want to prove its worthlessness to everyone.

We here at Trilla Universe are committed to a few things: First, we will end the reign of blogging terror that the blogging tyrant phcool has unleashed on the innocent geeks of wordpress.com. Read him at http://phcool.wordpress.com/ and be afraid…this man is unstable.

Second, we are committed to humor. But only mine. If you insist on commenting, please keep all intended humor in the scope of my own jokes, because I am the funniest person on the planet.

Lastly, note that the vast majority of the postings will likely be about Star Wars, considering that no saga can approach its immortality.  I hope you like Darth Vader alot

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