As an Red-blooded American, I love living in ignorance of where my money is being spent irresponsibly by an incompetent government, but alas, I cannot.

Take, for example, the ongoing trial of Roger Clemens.

Personally, I am not a fan of Roger Clemens because he pitched for the Yankees. However, I find myself caring less and less about that fact as I observe the “results” of this “investigation.” Today, while eating lunch, I sat down in front of a TV airing “Outside the Lines.” The main story on today’s edition was the Congressional investigation of Roger Clemens, who is under suspicion of having taken illegal substances to boost his performance. Clemens, the headline name in the Mitchell Report, has essentially become MLB’s scapegoat for it’s complete inability to monitor its players. The sins of all (or nearly all) are placed on Clemens’ broad shoulders, and are continually dragged in front of cameras, by way of that shot of the hulking ex-star looking blandly up at some god-forsaken Congressmen.

Roger Clemens is MLB’s Jew. Yes that makes them the Nazis.

This complete mockery of the judicial system has been reduced to investigation a photograph of Clemens at a party thrown by known juicer Jose Conseco. Funny, they take evidence from a man whom we could all agree led the way in poisoning the minds of children in order to completely humiliate another. I haven’t seen a whole lot of criticism of Conseco – only book deals. But I must ask, if only to be the devil’s advocate: Why the fuck would anyone party with Jose Conseco?

The latest “development” is that Brian McNamee, Clemens’ book-deal-waiting-to-be-signed ex-trainer, is bringing forth evidence that his former client had an extra-marital affair with a girl for ten years, starting when she was 15. Thank you for this nugget Brian, because America’s youths can finally be dissuaded from having affairs with minors in addition to juicing up, all it took was countless hours and tax dollars to do it. I’m so grateful that we have people like you around. And don’t worry about the fact that you distributed illegal substances, I mean, it’s not like you’re a professional athlete and therefore of fundamental importance to the United States Government.

I watched the story only long enough to despise my citizenship before leaving in disgust. I opened up a recent issue of Rolling Stone, which coincidentally had published a story about Henry Waxman, a Californian Democrat famous for his reforms as chair of the Congressional Oversight Committee. Ironically, despite Rep. Waxman’s prolific reforms for the environment and child health care, he happens to head the committee that is spending who knows how much investigating a single professional athlete for a problem that plagues the entire league and all of sports, and spends the hearings arguing about pictures taken at Jose Conseco’s parties.

But don’t worry, the children of America are now free from evil influences and can go on aspiring to serve on subcommittees that provide such wonderful services to our country.