The Vatican announced Tuesday that it does not contradict faith in God to believe in alien life, finally vindicating the abduction/resurrection theory for countless handfuls of cult leaders and bible-toting Roswell residents. The papal astronomer said, in an interview titled (no joke) “The extraterrestrial is my brother”, that the vastness of space made extraterrestrial life highly likely, and that even alien life is part of God’s creation. The aforementioned astronomer released this computer rendering of suspected alien life:

Shocking, I know. As disconcerting as the idea of Christ inducing horrors such as Mars Attacks! might be, many Church leaders expressed relief that cosmological variety does not mean they have to admit Jesus wasn’t Caucasian.

Later in the interview, the papal astronomer was asked about God’s relation to the Big Bang theory, to which he replied: “Are you f***ing kidding me? You’re telling me some immeasurably powerful event eons ago is the source of all matter in the universe? That’s like saying that dinosaurs existed. Who’s the astronomer here?”

With this new announcement, the Church, and indeed the global community can reach two fundamental truths. First, being the Vatican’s astronomer must be the easiest fucking job on the planet.

“But Holy Astronomer, what causes comets?”

“Why, it’s Jesus riding spaceships with our alien friends. Wave hello when they go by!”

Second, we can now discount movies like Independence Day and War of the Worlds, where hostile extraterrestrial species come and annihilate swaths of the planet simply for resources. Clearly, that adorable little guy holding hands with Jesus wouldn’t fire a superlaser through the top of the White House.

And besides, what kind of life form would tear apart a planet just for its resources?

Beers, Idle Beers…

I can’t think of anything I’d like to be buried in more than a giant replica beer can. None of that sissy fancy stuff though, I want a Pabst can. Wait…what? Somebody beat me to it? Shucks, I thought I was the only person on the planet who was devoted enough to cheap beer to be buried with it. Guess i’m the fool.

Bill Bramanti of an Illinois town too embarrassed to be named had this endlessly tasteful casket, which also touts his construction company’s name on the side, custom made by a Chicago sign company. He then proceeded to throw a party, using his eternal vessel as a beer cooler.

…..

I’ll give Bill one thing, no one will be crying at his funeral. But one has to wonder, is Mr. Bramanti a true Pabst lover, or just the latest in a series of company ploys to tap into the earthworm market? There’s more to this than meets the eye. Look at his smug smile, and notice how he turned the label on the can toward the camera…