There’s no sex in Bush’s violence…

This week Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio introduced another article of impeachment for George W. Bush to the House of Representatives, citing Bush’s false statements on the necessity of the invasion of Iraq in 2003.  The article passed through the first vote in the House, only to be moved into the Judiciary committee that defeated his previous impeachment attempt in June, in what now unfortuneately appears to the American people as a punchline. 

Watching Kucinich struggle to make some good out of the shitstorm that was the past eight years conjures little opitmism, mainly because we all know that the impeachment wont happen, but also because its a shame that Kucinich couldn’t muster the courage to do this much sooner, when it might have had a more significant impact.

But that’s enough serious talk – let’s bash a republican!  FOX News is reporting that Kucinich’s predecessor, Republican Jim Trakus, has sent a formal request to Congress to determine exactly how much these impeachment attempts (3 of them) are costing the taxpayers, which is ironic given that the aforementioned falsified war has cost American taxpayers a total of $500 billion at the beginning of the year and the government is spending at least as much money on these articles as on supplying ESPN with endless footage of Roger Clemens’ “Shit…” face.

In my opinion, the meat of the debate on the validity/relevance of this impeachment request lies in a comparison to the two previous impeachments in American history, the first of Andrew Johnson and the second of Bill Clinton.  Johnson was impeached for violating the Tenure of Office Act by trying to appoint a new Secretary of War, replacing the one that was using the Secret Service to spy on him.  Long story short, everyone was a complete idiot in the 1860’s.

You all know the magical tales of Bill Clinton’s sexcapades, and I offer those as the main comparison here.  Kucinich’s arguments are that the President (and Cheney – his Salacious Crumb?) lied to the public about Iraq’s military capabilities and the threat that it posed, thereby dragging the country into a needless, expensive, and destructive conflict.  Bill Clinton got laid in the Oval Office.  One could argue that fighting a war and banging whoever you want in the White House are just the pinnacles of success for the male population, but someone must see what I do…that having sex with one woman is far less grevous an offense than starting a fucking war!

Sure, Bill was married and yes, he violated a moral standard that we, for some completely unfounded reason, seem to believe all of our politicians conform to.  Let’s ask Eliot Spitzer what he has to say about this..

Mrs. Spitzer was criticized for her lack of grimacing

So weigh in on this: why is Kucinich being ridiculed for trying to bring Bush and Cheney to justice for far more heinous crimes?  I’m sure I’m not in the minority in claiming that sex in the oval office and mass deception/murder are slighty different.  Namely, the former threatens essentially one person – the First Lady – while the latter threatens the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.  The former sullies the reputation of the President and the administration,  the latter sullies the reputation of the entire country in the eyes of the global community.  Is sex really so taboo that it outweighs greedy, bloodthirsty politics?

Congressman Kucinich, I understand your argument, but Congress doesn’t, so let’s take action.  Call up Spitzer’s girl and send him over to Cheney’s place.  I’m sure he’d be more than willing to entertain her.

In Defense of Luke Skywalker

As a Star Wars aficionado, I’ve always been of the opinion that Luke Skywalker was whiny and annoying, probably the worst possible offspring that the flawless Padme could concieve with fucking Darth Vader. But after reading a “where are they now?” on Star Wars actors, I rethought Luke’s role in the Saga and came to the conclusion that, despite his abundant wimpy qualities, Luke deserves a much better rep than he usually receives.

First, there are several other characters from the other movies that induce a mild hatred for the child half of George Lucas’ mind. Yes, I mean Jar-Jar, but let’s move past cliches for a bit. Take Salacious Crumb, Jabba the Hutt’s monkey/bird/muppet friend who for some unexplained reason likes to hang out with a slimy drug lord and laugh at all of his friends.

Fuck this thing

This little demon had one line in the entirety of Return of the Jedi: a high-pitched cackle that grated the soul. I cannot imagine any reason why Lucas thought this was a good idea, other than to provide a pretext for future (or past?) worthless organisms such as Gungans and Ewoks. And on a side note, those who played the ROTJ game for Super Nintendo with remember Crumb as the indestructible little pest in the already overly difficult Jabba’s Palace level that ended with the fight against an ludicrously strong Bib Fortuna.

I’ll give the aforementioned Gungans and Ewoks a pass for this one, and move to the next point: Luke was actually kind of a bad ass.

Example #1: Sure he sounded like an adolescent for the first two movies, but he also blew up a space station the size of a moon, a task that none of his squadmates with years of experience flying adavanced spacecraft could accomplish. Luke’s experience? Flying oddly shaped speeders around a desert.

Example #2: After his Snowspeeder was shot out of the sky in the Battle of Hoth, he rappelled forty feet up into the belly of an AT-AT and took out the enitre machine with only his lightsaber and a grenade, accomplishing in 45 seconds what it took Wedge and his pseudo-Asian gunner 20 minutes to do. He then free fell into the snow and walked across the battlefield to his X-Wing unscathed.

Lightsaber always beats tow cable

Example #3: When the Rebellion was making its last stand, Luke decided to surrender himself to the Emperor and Darth Vader, essentially sacrificing himself to keep the biggest badass in history from singlehandedly ripping everyone to shreds. Rather than once again saving everyone’s ass with his superior flying ability, he put all of his confidence into a fleet of rebel ships that didn’t carry any weaponry. Dumbledore would’ve been proud.

Honorable Mention: He killed a rancor by shoving a bone in its mouth and crushing it with a giant door. He also killed a Yeti.

Third, it can’t be overlooked that Anakin Skywalker was also unbearable for about 2.5 films. Check that, more like every scene in which he had both lines and a lack of a lightsaber.

Finally, realize that anything that comes from Darth Vader is BA. Every single line he utters is awesome, and his shit undoubtedly doesn’t stink.

So before we call him out for kissing his sister (and enjoying it) or for getting his rump handed to him by one tusken raider, let’s remember why Luke is cool…or at least cooler than Captain Tarpals.