There’s no sex in Bush’s violence…

This week Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio introduced another article of impeachment for George W. Bush to the House of Representatives, citing Bush’s false statements on the necessity of the invasion of Iraq in 2003.  The article passed through the first vote in the House, only to be moved into the Judiciary committee that defeated his previous impeachment attempt in June, in what now unfortuneately appears to the American people as a punchline. 

Watching Kucinich struggle to make some good out of the shitstorm that was the past eight years conjures little opitmism, mainly because we all know that the impeachment wont happen, but also because its a shame that Kucinich couldn’t muster the courage to do this much sooner, when it might have had a more significant impact.

But that’s enough serious talk – let’s bash a republican!  FOX News is reporting that Kucinich’s predecessor, Republican Jim Trakus, has sent a formal request to Congress to determine exactly how much these impeachment attempts (3 of them) are costing the taxpayers, which is ironic given that the aforementioned falsified war has cost American taxpayers a total of $500 billion at the beginning of the year and the government is spending at least as much money on these articles as on supplying ESPN with endless footage of Roger Clemens’ “Shit…” face.

In my opinion, the meat of the debate on the validity/relevance of this impeachment request lies in a comparison to the two previous impeachments in American history, the first of Andrew Johnson and the second of Bill Clinton.  Johnson was impeached for violating the Tenure of Office Act by trying to appoint a new Secretary of War, replacing the one that was using the Secret Service to spy on him.  Long story short, everyone was a complete idiot in the 1860’s.

You all know the magical tales of Bill Clinton’s sexcapades, and I offer those as the main comparison here.  Kucinich’s arguments are that the President (and Cheney – his Salacious Crumb?) lied to the public about Iraq’s military capabilities and the threat that it posed, thereby dragging the country into a needless, expensive, and destructive conflict.  Bill Clinton got laid in the Oval Office.  One could argue that fighting a war and banging whoever you want in the White House are just the pinnacles of success for the male population, but someone must see what I do…that having sex with one woman is far less grevous an offense than starting a fucking war!

Sure, Bill was married and yes, he violated a moral standard that we, for some completely unfounded reason, seem to believe all of our politicians conform to.  Let’s ask Eliot Spitzer what he has to say about this..

Mrs. Spitzer was criticized for her lack of grimacing

So weigh in on this: why is Kucinich being ridiculed for trying to bring Bush and Cheney to justice for far more heinous crimes?  I’m sure I’m not in the minority in claiming that sex in the oval office and mass deception/murder are slighty different.  Namely, the former threatens essentially one person – the First Lady – while the latter threatens the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.  The former sullies the reputation of the President and the administration,  the latter sullies the reputation of the entire country in the eyes of the global community.  Is sex really so taboo that it outweighs greedy, bloodthirsty politics?

Congressman Kucinich, I understand your argument, but Congress doesn’t, so let’s take action.  Call up Spitzer’s girl and send him over to Cheney’s place.  I’m sure he’d be more than willing to entertain her.

The Vatican announced Tuesday that it does not contradict faith in God to believe in alien life, finally vindicating the abduction/resurrection theory for countless handfuls of cult leaders and bible-toting Roswell residents. The papal astronomer said, in an interview titled (no joke) “The extraterrestrial is my brother”, that the vastness of space made extraterrestrial life highly likely, and that even alien life is part of God’s creation. The aforementioned astronomer released this computer rendering of suspected alien life:

Shocking, I know. As disconcerting as the idea of Christ inducing horrors such as Mars Attacks! might be, many Church leaders expressed relief that cosmological variety does not mean they have to admit Jesus wasn’t Caucasian.

Later in the interview, the papal astronomer was asked about God’s relation to the Big Bang theory, to which he replied: “Are you f***ing kidding me? You’re telling me some immeasurably powerful event eons ago is the source of all matter in the universe? That’s like saying that dinosaurs existed. Who’s the astronomer here?”

With this new announcement, the Church, and indeed the global community can reach two fundamental truths. First, being the Vatican’s astronomer must be the easiest fucking job on the planet.

“But Holy Astronomer, what causes comets?”

“Why, it’s Jesus riding spaceships with our alien friends. Wave hello when they go by!”

Second, we can now discount movies like Independence Day and War of the Worlds, where hostile extraterrestrial species come and annihilate swaths of the planet simply for resources. Clearly, that adorable little guy holding hands with Jesus wouldn’t fire a superlaser through the top of the White House.

And besides, what kind of life form would tear apart a planet just for its resources?

Beers, Idle Beers…

I can’t think of anything I’d like to be buried in more than a giant replica beer can. None of that sissy fancy stuff though, I want a Pabst can. Wait…what? Somebody beat me to it? Shucks, I thought I was the only person on the planet who was devoted enough to cheap beer to be buried with it. Guess i’m the fool.

Bill Bramanti of an Illinois town too embarrassed to be named had this endlessly tasteful casket, which also touts his construction company’s name on the side, custom made by a Chicago sign company. He then proceeded to throw a party, using his eternal vessel as a beer cooler.

…..

I’ll give Bill one thing, no one will be crying at his funeral. But one has to wonder, is Mr. Bramanti a true Pabst lover, or just the latest in a series of company ploys to tap into the earthworm market? There’s more to this than meets the eye. Look at his smug smile, and notice how he turned the label on the can toward the camera…

Worthless Minutae

Welcome to Trilla Universe! Please note upon entering the title of this blog. For the unholy, “Trilla” is the name of the most recent effort by 300-pound rapper Rick Ross, an album that is indespensible if you despise mainstream hip-hop and want to prove its worthlessness to everyone.

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